Oi come for an ump-bays
Sydney’s Miguel Juan Roberto (24), is perpetually sexless, and no, it’s not by choice. Miguel simply has no game.
In the past, he’s resorted to buying girls food, befriending mates girlfriends and even DM’ing girls he doesn’t know on Instagram – all of which have yielded zero lays.
Tonight however, may be different.
As the night picks up at a popular Sydney nightclub, Miguel fuels his confidence with a series of long island ice tea’s and banter from the boys.
Miguel begins small talk conversations with numerous female patrons. While the attempts are respectable, each interaction lasts no longer than 10 seconds before the inevitable, “I have to go find my friends”.
By 2am, Miguel is intoxicated. With his body now doing most of the thinking for him, Miguel decides to unleash the ‘magic dust’.
“My boyfriend is right there” Warns Jessica Tran (22), as Miguel steps towards her.
With a bag of Columbia’s finest in hand however, Miguel powers through her test with Big Dick Energy (BDE).
“Oi come for a bump”
In almost every situation, Miguel is not Jessica’s type. But then again, Jessica is an Asian professional between the age of 20-35 making her the perfect demographic to do anything (including follow the clown from IT down a drain) for free cocaine.
“Oh. Well umm. Sure.” Says Jessica, who is suddenly arm in arm with Miguel and en route to the disabled toilet.
“Aren’t you buff mister.”
With the most attention he’s received from the opposite sex in months, all is right in the world for Miguel.
It’s been reported that once the bag finished, so did Jessica’s interest in Miguel.
Jessica’s boyfriend, Nathan, who was bagless on the night, says he was ‘relieved’ when Jess walked out of the disabled toilets.
“What ever happened in there, fair game,” says Nathan.
“I’m just glad he wasn’t a DD”.