Working in a social media job has made me realise anyone’s opinion can be bought – including Mum.
There I was. A former pass-credit student at the University of Western Sydney with a degree in arts, outcasted by my parents who foresaw a bachelors of medicine.
At 25, I was instead writing opinion pieces for The YAP Native and using my savings on Coachella tickets and Euro trips.
What this meant was I was as disappointing as an undercooked Ha Gao.
But that didn’t mean I could impress my parents, I just had to think outside the box.
How to make your Mum happy on mother’s day if you didn’t graduate in medicine
1. Anything with a gift receipt
If your parents could return your they would. The next best thing is returning your equally disappointing present. This year I was thoughtful enough to buy Mum a stainless steel pan. It will probably be too heavy.
2. An ongoing acknowledgement that you are a disappointment
The only thing other your parents dislike more than you not being able to get a medical degree, is being wrong.
This year, hold back on saying ‘it’s my life my career’. Instead embrace this phrase:
“Haha yeah I’m just paying the bills Mum. Otherwise, I wish I studied harder in high school so I could study med. Silly me!”
3. If you’ve moved out, move back in
Mum and Dad didn’t plan for you to move out unless it was with your husband and two investment properties.
Tell your housemates you’ll be moving home 6 months before your lease ends because you’re an obedient daughter and too bad.
Speaking of a husband….
4. Find a rich husband.
Well you’re not going to be the breadwinner – It was clear when you failed to achieve a 99.95 ATAR.
Instead, go track down a husband who makes a lot of money. Like the type of money that means you would earn if you were a surgeon. So like, date a surgeon.
Then you can help your parents get what they’ve always wanted.
5. A new house
Bought by the rich husband of course. You were supposed to have two investment properties remember? One of those is for your parents.
Introducing our first ever merch:
Make sure it’s got Feng shui or risk the house being returned back to you like my shitty pan.