Editor’s Note: This article was originally drafted as “How to win white people and get validated”
It’s not unrealistic to say that I’m better than most Asians and it simply boils down to one reason:
I dabble in white friendship circles.
Now I know you’re probably thinking ‘Jen, when [did I ask]?’ I’ll just tell you.
It was mostly in my early 20’s. Like a few times at 21 when I played mixed netball at unigames and then again when I went backpacking at 24 and then again when I started dating my first white guy at 25.
And before you say ‘Jen, you’ve only ever had surface level friendships who probably don’t remember you as anyone other than the Asian chick who they don’t mind fetishising’, then here’s what I have to say:
Keep your jealousy to yourself, you fuckwit.
It’s only positive vibes here, got that? Okay. Now that you’re listening, let me show you how to not be so Asian.
My top 7 tips to successfully dabble white friendship circles
The first thing I could suggest is to get into cheese. You can do it at any age really but I started as soon as I got into uni.
I thought, maybe I can make this part of my personality so I started to sample a few cheese boards at unibar.
By the time I graduated I could say with confidence “Omg I can literally eat anything with cheese’
What’s my fav? It has to be manchego.
Have you heard of the stars? I have.
For example, I know that because I’m a Capricorn that I’m just not compatible with Sag’s. Especially toxic Sag’s who say I’m trying to get validation from white people.
Anyways yeah, white chick friends use the stars to explain everything and so do I.
3. Uni games
‘Have you been uni games?’
The correct answer is yes. However in my first year of studying journalism I said ‘no, what’s that?’
I don’t even like sport but I forced myself to ply knowing that if I got good enough at mixed netball, I’d have my first in with a white circle.
You’re probably thinking, ‘no Jen, excessive drinking and hooking up inceslty in a friend circle isn’t very organic’.
Well guess what? That’s just how it goes down at EUG’s.
4. Virgin Active
Once I finished Uni I was starved of any white friends (The YAP Native only has gross Asian men urgh talk about Patriarchy).
That’s why I joined Virgin Active.
I’m not some lame Asian bitch who goes with her boyfriend to Anytime before getting Laksa and Chatime.
Give me Pilates, Vinyasa and Muay Thai Challenge followed by Brunch thank you Karen.
5. Travel to a country other than Japan
Did I say travel? Because I meant backpack.
Don’t be so typical and go to Japan to eat Ramen like a weeb.
That’s what I said after making my first year of graduate salary before backing it up on a Contiki to Europe.
Oh you don’t think it’s organic? Well you can get Boss Coffee from a vending machine whilst I sip my espresso with a new set of caucasian friends who I might never see again down at Barceloneta beach.
If you don’t believe me, take a look at my Instagram.
6. Go by a caucasian nickname
You can call me Jen Jen (It’s so cute I knowe!) or even Jay (Short for Jen, haha).
^anyways – that’s how I make myself memorable.
7. Date a white guy
This ones pretty obvious but it’s the most important one of all. Getting a partner of caucasian descent is the ultimate in to a white circle – they have to accept me, I’m dating their friend! Hahah.
Some people tell me Jen, it’s kind of internally racist to purely date someone because they are white. Well…I’ve got preferences okay! Fuck dating my brother.
I know I know, my ex only ever has dated Asians and sure he had a bit of a fettish, but we don’t kink shame here. It’s 2020 for fucks sakes.
Get a grip cunts.
Bonus tip from the editor: Show your Asian side, but not too much
Take your white friend to KBBQ or some sort of ‘safe’ Asian restaurant. Slowly introduce your culture, but don’t go full retard and get Taro bean jelly desserts etc.
Jenny ‘Jen’ Zhang is the lifestyle editor for The YAP Native. Jen prides herself on setting, not following trends.
After getting dumped by her last boyfriend who cited ‘all around annoying and a bit of social ladder climber’ Jen pivoted the majority of her efforts at work to opinion pieces on why white men are the devil.
While she considers herself an advocate for Asian progress in Western society, Jen has only ever dated men and women who are white.