A guy called Nick has universally pissed everyone off by going for the Golden State Warriors this upcoming season.
Despite never having set foot in the Oakland area, Nick insisted on ruining the vibe by cheering for Kevin Durant buckets during last year playoffs. He did this while wearing a super original Steph Curry 30 jersey, and consistently using the word “we” in his sentences, which still pisses everyone off.
“We’re shooting well, but we need more offensive rebounds. We’ve done well when Klay’s on the floor. We’ll probably make the finals again eh?”.
“Stop saying we you dickhead”, his mates will reply. “You’re not on their team, you’ve never even been to San Fran. You’re from Epping you prick”.
Against this flack, Nick will dig his heels further in the sand. Its a classic bandwagon technique. Not wanting to be seen as a ‘bandwagoner’ Nick will try extra hard to prove that he’s been a warriors fan from the start by spouting off a super specific golden state warriors fact that could only have been gotten from a wikipedia search the day before.
“This team is way better than the 2006 warriors led by Monti Ellis, which lost to the Jazz in 5 at Salt Lake City, to a crowd of 17,831 people, eh?”
Sports psychologist and NBA fan himself, Brad Park, says there is an underlying biological reason that explains why people go for the golden state warriors.
“If you look at the DNA of warriors fans, their nucleosides and nucleotides show that they’re actually shitcunts from birth. Their telomere molecules exhibit a shirota strain rotation so that the individual essentially just ends up being a prick and incapable of supporting good teams. We see similar experiences with Man U supporters”.
This could be useful news to Nick who is currently trying to organise the next NBA watching session with his friends. He has messaged the group chat asking who’s keen to get a Demarcus Cousins jersey. No one has replied.
Introducing our first ever merch:
More on Nick’s story as it unfolds.