In a move to counter seasonal drop offs this financial year, the owners of Meat & Wine Co have made an industry changing announcement: all kitchen staff with be replaced with select members of the Muzzing and Chopping Appreciation Society (MCAS).
“We realised we could kill two birds with one stone” says owner and founder, Bradley Michael.
“Why hire a chef and have to buy them a set of knives when you can replace both expenses with a single muzz queen?”.
The point Bradley is trying to make is that the ultra aggressive hand movements required to perform a muzz routine are ‘perfect’ for cutting steak and veggies.
“I’ve never seen a rib-eye get sliced so cleanly first go”
In order to source the best talent for its various locations across Australia, the over-priced grill house will begin its search on a mass-adopted platform: Facebook.
“Our social media teams are currently lurking on MCAS. Once we’re able ‘ID’ a few of these LGs and LBs we’ll slide into their DMS and see if they got what it takes”
According to the companies hiring manager Anderson Lau, there is ‘very good chance’ you’ll see reps from Meat & Wine Co at ASOT Sydney this year.
“The exact role we hire for will depend on his or her muzzing style…which can only really be assessed face to face”
After pressing Mr Lau further, The Yap Native can confirm that the franchise will be looking at the following characteristics:
1. Optimal hip thrust
That is, enough thrusting but not too much to take away from their form.
Anderson: “Do they use too much hips? Sorry hun, too distracting for customers, we are putting you right at the back of the kitchen”
2. Cook to uncooked brain cell ratio
I.e how many MDMA caps has the member had over their lifetime.
Anderson: “Are they too cooked? Well mate, no one really buys well-done so you’re chopping the veggies”
3. Chop aggressiveness
A minimum of 10 chops per minute with speed that turns heads.
Anderson: “The more aggressive, the better the slice and the better the meat looks.”
4. Frequency of Vicks use
An occasional Vicks user is fine, but not some kind of vicks connoisseur i.e those stocked with Thai Vicks, tiger balm, etc.
Anderson: “We want the kitchen smelling like steak, not clear sinuses.”
The mass firing of over 25 experienced chefs and the termination of its long term contract with one of the biggest knife suppliers in the Southern Hemisphere has caused outrage within the food community.
However reigning muzz queen and hot favourite for head chef at the Circular Quay position, Selina ‘Bubbles’ Truong says business (pause) is simply business.
“Just r8 my muzz. No H8 plz.”
The Meat & Wine co will be installing 7 GoPros in its Circular Quay kitchen, so all muzzing and chopping can be captured from every angle and uploaded to “Muzz of Melbourne” with 1080 quality.