An inner city Caucasian man was heard today at the local watering hole listing all the ways he was at the top of society’s food chain while discussing various social issues.
The self-proclaimed progressive, Peter Cracker, seemed to be attempting to illustrate how much easier his life is compared to other social classes.
But when questioned about his true intentions after downing a few cheeky bevs, Cracker couldn’t help but reveal that beneath the surface he was not the selfless social justice warrior that he tries to portray himself as when in public.
“As an Anglo-Saxon, heterosexual, high-income, tertiary-educated male,” said Cracker before pausing.
“I devote a lot of my time and energy to social causes and helping people who are disadvantaged.
“However, I do admit that I also get a warm, fuzzy feeling on the inside when I name all the ways I’m privileged,” he declared with a smug, satisfied smile.
“It’s great. I can just sit back and reel off all the ways I’m top shit without coming off as condescending. Mention that you have a few gay friends, namedrop one or two ethnic mates and bam, you’re suddenly #woke. Chicks dig it.”
After graduating from an elite university with a Masters in Art History, Cracker spent 10 years living in various countries in Southeast Asia without learning even basic greetings in any local languages.
Upon returning to Australia, he established a Vietnamese fusion restaurant in Melbourne’s inner east. Through building a savvy social media presence, he has managed to run almost all of the truly authentic Vietnamese restaurants in the local area established decades ago by refugees fleeing the Vietnam War out of business.
“When you’re white you do face some intolerance from time to time,” confesses Cracker.
“Sometimes when I try to order spicy dishes at ethnic restaurants they actually refuse to serve me certain dishes because they say I won’t be able to handle them! It’s truly awful stuff.
“I don’t let the discrimination get me down though. I refuse to let pure bigotry get to me, even if it means that my anus burns with the heat of a thousand suns for several days afterwards.”
Despite his immense privilege, Cracker said that being white wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies.
“On the topic of identity politics, I do actually belong to quite a marginalised minority group,” says Cracker. “As a cyclist, I cop a lot of abuse on the roads.
“Just because it’s physically impossible for a bike to reach the same speeds as a car doesn’t mean that I don’t identify as a motorist. I can’t help the way I was born – I’ve always liked riding bikes.
“People are always protesting things like women’s rights and boat people, while our suffering goes unnoticed.”
More spice to come.