Proud Korean Now Even Prouder After Parasite Oscar Sweep
Proud Korean Now Even Prouder After Parasite Oscar Sweep

Proud Korean Now Even Prouder After Parasite Oscar Sweep

Local Korean man Daniel Kim, 23, is like all American or Australian born Korean boys. Unusually proud to be Korean. 

Flashback to high school and Daniel is seen sporting a vivid ‘Be the Red’s!’ shirt while telling off younger Korean boys for not bowing to him or calling him ‘Hyung’ [Older brother in Korean].

Flash to today and Daniel is a well-adapted, polite and courteous Korean boy who secretly believes Koreans are better than other Asian races. And his parents don’t like Indians*. 

Yet the recent news that Bong Joon-Ho’s Parasite won four Academy Awards including one for Best Picture has resulted in his Korean pride soaring into another stratosphere. 

“We might actually be the greatest race in the world”, Daniel is heard announcing to his friends. 

“We have K-Pop, K-Dramas and now this. And we have Son Heung-Min! [Tottenham Spurs Forward]”

The racial power-trip has gotten to Daniel’s head so much that he is now seen telling people at work to call him ‘hyung’, including his boss. He is promptly fired.

Fast forward 12 months and Daniel is now homeless and unemployed. His rigid beliefs that Koreans are the superior race and his refusal to work with anyone who isn’t racially pure Korean has meant it has been hard for him to hold down a stable job.

Fast forward a year later and Daniel finds himself in prison. Unable to keep a job, Daniel has resorted to a life of petty crime to make ends meet. 

Locked in his prison cell, Daniel quickly alienates himself from other prisoners by his refusal to speak or associate with anyone who isn’t racially Korean.

Alone in his prison cell, Daniel writes down his struggle on what little parchment he can find. Pages and pages espousing his ideological vision and beliefs of racial Korean purity. He calls it ‘My Struggle’ [German translation: Mein Kampf]. 

Upon his release, Daniel quickly puts his beliefs into action. He forms a political party, calling it The National Socialist Korean Workers’ Party. After a while, they decide to rebrand as The Nazi Party. Daniel inevitably seizes control of the nation.

Fast forward three years and Daniel has declared war on several surrounding countries, including Poland and The Soviet Union. The Western countries have formed a union to combat his advances. They call themselves ‘The Allies’. 

Countless die. Millions perish in Daniel’s bloodthirsty conquest for racial Korean purity. The Allies gain ground and besiege his city. Daniel is surrounded, his armies depleted, his generals fled. 

Alone in his bunker with nothing but a handgun and a head full of bitter, angry thoughts to accompany him, Daniel darkly ponders his fate. He turns to his rear wall. There is a gold framed picture of Bong Joon-Ho [Parasite’s Director]. Daniel promptly salutes the photo and holds it for an extended period of time. He pulls the trigger.

The end.

*Editor’s note: This is what we heard. We are not racist. Fuck off.

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