THANKSGIVING: The dinner we know and love originates from a coming together of an indigenous group and group of settlers, over a plentiful harvest meal. It’s a time of gratitude and letting your relatives know: they da real MVP.
Of course, none of that actually applies if you are American, Asian and a parent. There is better use for such time together – like one-upping everyone, from your sister to your second cousin.
So in the spirit of fam, The Yap Native has put together an above average list of flexes to tell Auntie Number 2, ‘my son is better than yours, bitch’.
Editor’s note: Start subtle, then get real overt when the crackling pork comes out.
1. “Oh, I thought you were the one who got the scholarship.” Aka the edu-flex
Even though you already know, wait till Nephew Jason (from your spouse’s side) lets you down by telling you he’s paying full tuition to study Business Communications at UC Berkeley, before dropping this stinger.
How to deliver it perfectly: Make sure you draw the “oh silly me” card. The more shocked you are, the better, as it lets them know you were thinking of someone…just not Jason.
2. Are you still single? I know nice girl at my work. Aka the cupid-flex
Approach the pathetic loner that is your cousins son when he’s alone, and ask a few probing questions, “what do you do for fun?”, “do you like work?”, “have you met your cousin Kathleen?”
Once you’ve established that their son has no game, ask him why he hasn’t brought anyone to the family dinner.
As he stutters, take a moment to revel in the fact that your kids are both married, with your grandkids underway. Then, extend an olive branch – “I know a nice girl from my work. You should meet”.
How to deliver it perfectly: Be extra helpful as if to say to him and his parents “your dating success depends on me pal”.
3. “It was so hard to find a parking space big enough for [son’s] new car.” Aka the financial-flex
It probably wasn’t that hard to find a parking space, but the table needs to know about your sons new Benz.
“He bought it with his bonus [haha]. Wait I don’t think surgeon’s get bonuses”
How to deliver it perfectly: Flex with finesse, by implying that your son has a big dick (bold claim), and theirs doesn’t (fair claim).
4. Your daughter plays piano? Mine can teach her. Aka the extra-curricular flex
School your kids – or other aunties will make sure their kids do. Prepare roughly 5 years in advanced, with daily lessons in some sort of musical instrument or mother tongue.
Ensure violins are neatly packed and tuned beforehand. Your daughter Sharlene may not know her native language, but make sure she knows how to deliver a unique proverb to each surviving grandparent. Arrange a family flex. Make duets and bands if kids are cute enough to pull it off. Be objective. If they’re not, make them put on a play (with masks).
How to deliver it perfectly: According to Teddy Roosevelt, comparison is the thief of joy. So invoke some American wisdom this Thanksgiving through a comparative flex. Talk up your kid, talk down their kid. After rival Aunty 2’s daughter plays a Chopin solo, simply say to Aunty 2: “Come – my daughter can teach your daughter piano.”
5. “You are so brave.” Aka the career-flex
As your 30 year old niece Stephanie joins the festivities later on, it’s time to ‘catch-up’. Start a conversation with her parents before ushering her over to update you in all that’s going on.
As she tells you how great her career in design (WTF?) is going, let her know “Stephanie, you are so brave.”
“My son Kevin doesn’t have the bravado to try something with so much… flair”
How to deliver it perfectly: Sympathy is name of the game here. The more Stephanie feels you are on her side, the more it will hurt when she realises how little it is you can do to turn around the biggest fuck up of her life.
More spice to come.