Step One: Plan Ahead

You’re not the only startup in town. Just about every relevant workplace will be throwing a EOFY Party so get in touch with your dealer early. Grab a bag before they all get bagged up

Step Two: The Warm Up

Don’t be a povo cunt and get hammered off the light beers on the bar tab. Let the graduates and interns have their fun, the weak ones will fall off before step three.

Step Three: The ‘Afters’

As per the last step, the soft cunts and awkward guys from accounts will fuck off home. This is where the bulk of the action will take place. Feel free to drop risky jokes to your superiors and hit on that recruit you never worked up the courage to talk to in the office.

Step Four: The Real Afters 

Anyone who’s made it this far together will be friends for life. At least that’s how you feel during the fleeting high you’re on from the few bumps in a dirty cubicle. As you watch your female colleagues cheat on their long term partners with hollow eyes, you reflect on how you even got here in the first place. The plans for KBBQ are long behind you and you haven’t had a proper meal since that complimentary slider at 4:30pm which was 11 hours ago. But you tell yourself this is living, and wonder why you didn’t make a move on your work crush earlier.

Step Five: Home Sweet Home 

Take a $112 Uber ride home and tell your driver about your Afterpay debt and how you might apply for an Uber license to run down that debt. Get home and water your houseplants.


More useless guides to come

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