Whitewashed Friend Settles For Moustache Cos He Can’t Grow Beard For Shit

Newly established Newtown resident Adam Fung (26) is a banana in every sense of the word.

With a lingering Chinese background, contrasted by a job in hospitality and a keen eye for white chicks, Adam is riper than ever.

But while his hipster dress sense and top knot hairstyle may be the seasoning on the mi goreng, or what leads the naked eye to believe Adam really is European, there’s one crucial feature he is incapable of owning:

A thick, loud, full-face beard.

“You can’t grow facial hair for shit dude” said housemate Marty to Adam last Thursday.

But words are words and they haven’t stopped Adam from trying. The craft beer enthusiast has been nurturing his face religiously, by way of rinse and massage each night since.

The end result? A scattered patch of prickly black shadow across both cheeks.

Today, faced with either fighting an uphill battle or letting go, Mr Fung chooser neither.

“First stache, whatcha reckon?” says Adam to Marty, rather pleased.

“Moustaches are not in bro”

“Yeah they are. It’s the gentleman’s beard. Makes me artisan”

Blissfully admiring his handiwork in the bathroom for another 10 minutes, Adam quietly reveals to The Yap Native, the logic behind his Freddy Mercury impression.

“Between you and I? It just makes me a little racially ambiguous”.

“If I want any chance of bagging Zoe at Newy Hotel tonight then yes, I am Hawaiian”.

More on Adams facial hair as it grows.

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